Jokes

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Bacca

Post by Bacca » Thu Mar 18, 2010 8:53 pm

Heaven and Hell





While on his morning walk, Prime Minister Kevin Rudd falls over, has a heart
attack and dies because the 'accident and emergency' dept at his nearest hospital
is too understaffed to treat him in time.

So his soul arrives in Heaven and he is met by Saint Peter at the Pearly
Gates. 'Welcome to Heaven,' says Saint Peter, 'Before you settle in, it seems
there is a problem. We seldom see a Socialist around these parts, so we're not sure
what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in; I'm a good Christian; I'm a
believer,' says the PM.

'I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from God. He says
that since the implementation of his new HEAVEN CHOICES policy, you have to spend one day
in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for
eternity.'

'But I've already made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,'
replies Rudd

'I'm sorry .. But we have our rules,' Peter interjects. And, with
that, St. Peter escorts him to a lift and he goes down, down, down ....all the way to Hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course.

The sun is shining in a cloudless sky. The temperature is a perfect 22C
degrees. In the distance is a beautiful club-house. Standing in front of it is Gough
Whitlam and thousands of other Socialist luminaries who had helped him out over the years
--- Bob Hawke, Paul Keating, etc. The whole of the Labour Party leaders were there ..


Everyone laughing, happy, and casually but expensively dressed.

They run to greet him, to hug him and to reminisce about the good times they
had getting rich at the expense of 'suckers and peasants.'

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. The
Devil himself comes up to Rudd with a frosty drink, 'Have a tequila and relax,
Kev!'

'Uh, I can't drink anymore; I took a pledge,' says Rudd,
dejectedly.

'This is Hell, son. You can drink and eat all you want and not worry and
it just gets better from there!'

Rudd takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a
really very friendly bloke who tells funny jokes like himself and pulls hilarious nasty
pranks, kind of like the ones the Labour Party pulled with their master strokes on
Education, Immigration, Petrol prices, Tough on Crime promises.

They are having such a great time that, before he realises it, it's time
to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Rudd steps on the lift and heads upward.

When the lift door reopens, he is in Heaven again and Saint Peter is waiting
for him. 'Now it's time to visit Heaven,' the old man says, opening the gate.

So for 24 hours Rudd is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured
people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money and treat
each other decently. Not a nasty prank or short-bum joke among them. No fancy country
clubs here and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these
people are all poor. He doesn't

see anybody he knows and he isn't even treated like someone special!

'Whoa,' he says uncomfortably to himself. 'Gough Whitlam never
prepared me for this!'

The day done, Saint Peter returns and says, 'Well, you've spent a day
in

Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for
Eternity.'

With the 'Deal or No Deal' theme playing softly in the background,
Rudd reflects for a minute ... Then answers: 'Well, I would never have thought I'd
say this -- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all -- but I really think I belong in
Hell with my friends.'

So Saint Peter escorts him to the lift and he goes down, down, down, all the
way to Hell.

The doors of the lift open and he is in the middle of a barren scorched earth
covered with garbage and toxic industrial wasteland, looking a bit like the eroded, rabbit
and fox affected Australian outback, but worse and more desolate.

He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained
together, picking up the roadside rubbish and putting it into black plastic bags. They are
groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.

The Devil comes over to Rudd and puts an arm around his shoulder.' I
don't understand,' stammers a shocked Rudd, 'Yesterday I was here and there was
a golf course and a club-house and we ate lobster and caviar and drank tequila. We lazed
around and had a great time.. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and
everybody looks miserable!'

The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly and purrs, 'Yesterday we were
campaigning; today you voted for us!

Bacca

Post by Bacca » Thu Apr 08, 2010 12:41 am

A Congressman was seated next to a little girl on the airplane leaving from Atlanta when he turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the total stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the southern congressman. 'How about global warming or universal health care', and he smiles smugly.

OK, ' she said. 'Those could be interesting topics. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The southern legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming or universal health care when you don't know s...?

midnight7503
Posts: 927
Joined: Mon Jun 25, 2007 10:11 pm
Location: Brisbane

Post by midnight7503 » Fri Apr 16, 2010 8:53 am

The Blue Pigeon.

The mayor of Darwin was very worried about a plague of pigeons in
the City Centre

He could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of Darwin
was full of pigeon poop, the people of Darwin could not walk on
the pavements, or drive on the roads.

It was costing a fortune to keep the streets and pavements
clean.

One day a man came to the Town Hall and offered the Mayor a
proposition.

'I can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without any cost to
the city. But, you must promise not to ask me any
questions.

Or, you can pay me one million dollars to ask one
question.'

The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free
proposition.

The next day the man climbed to the top of the Town Hall, opened his coat, and released a blue pigeon. The blue pigeon circled in the air and
flew up into the bright blue Darwin
sky.

All the pigeons in Darwin saw the blue pigeon and gathered up in
the air behind the bird. The Darwin pigeons followed
the blue pigeon as she flew eastwards out of the
city.

The next day the blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man atop the Town Hall

The Mayor was very impressed. He felt the man and the blue pigeon had
performed a wonderful miraculous service to rid Darwin of the
plague of pigeons. Even though the man with the pigeon had charged
nothing, the mayor presented him with a check for 1 million dollars and
told the man that, indeed, he did have a question to ask and even though
they had agreed to no fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons, he
decided to pay the 1 million just to get to ask ONE
question.

The man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his ONE
question.

The mayor asked:

'Do you have a blue Abo ??
“There is no heaven, there is no hell, except here on Earth.”

Prof
Founder, Choppers Australia
Posts: 5937
Joined: Sat Oct 22, 2005 3:54 pm
Location: Willunga, South Australia
Contact:

Post by Prof » Fri Apr 16, 2010 9:07 am

Reckon these days it would be more like a blue asian... before long you can bet the caucasians will be the minority and well be on the receiving end of all these jokes... Then we'll see if we can take these jokes like we expect them to!
Chopit'nrideit... Prof

Big D
Posts: 37
Joined: Fri Apr 02, 2010 2:06 pm
Location: Maitland NSW

Post by Big D » Fri Apr 16, 2010 10:00 am

...Thursday 16th April 2010...
This just in from the channel Nine news desk :
A mysterious phenoninum has occurred in the Northern Territory,
the states entire indigenous popullation has disappeared. A spokesman
for the Premiers office told reporters, "The local police have done extensive investigations and its believed that there appears to be no foul play in thier disappearance. The police, along with everyone else here are baffled and are struggling to explain what has happened".
The chief of police was reported to say "It's like they just all left".
The msytery may never be solved as it appears the extensive 7 minute investigations undertaken by the police have been deemed enough.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

News Archives

...Monday 13th April 2010...

News Headlines:
Pidgeon Plague in Darwin Over
Ban on Alcohol Sales in the Northern Territory

Reaper
Posts: 173
Joined: Mon Jan 21, 2008 5:05 am
Location: Macquarie fields, NSW

Post by Reaper » Sat Jun 05, 2010 6:22 pm

A man died and went to Heaven, As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw huge wall clocks behind him. He asked, "what are those clocks?'

St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone who has ever been on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move.'

'Oh', said the man. 'Whose clock is that?'

'That's Mother Teresa's', replied St. Peter. 'The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.'

'Incredible', said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?'

St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life.'

'Where's Kevin Rudd's clock?' asked the man.

St Peter replied, 'Jesus has it in his office. He uses it as a ceiling fan.
Reaper


2010 triumph america

Bacca

Post by Bacca » Thu Jun 10, 2010 6:14 pm

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyCanberra"

When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

Chainblock Dave
Posts: 211
Joined: Mon Jan 21, 2008 7:44 am
Location: Palmer, Sth Aust

Post by Chainblock Dave » Sat Jun 12, 2010 5:49 pm

Like it Bakka...Like it!!!!
Dave

Happosai
Posts: 367
Joined: Tue Dec 09, 2008 1:07 pm
Location: Melbourne

Post by Happosai » Sat Jun 12, 2010 6:23 pm

I deal with a shiteload of passwords in my work - and I passed this around to the guys - they loved it

Hap
I used to be Vague...................Now I'm not so sure

Bacca

Post by Bacca » Wed Jun 30, 2010 11:45 am

Federal Court Ruling from the Sydney Morning Herald, Australia

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the NSW State of Origin team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone....

psychomatt
Posts: 512
Joined: Thu Jan 17, 2008 10:04 pm
Location: lennox Head

Post by psychomatt » Sun Jul 04, 2010 2:01 pm

our west coast eagles or should i say west coke eagles
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7m2gpg3k1ho

Bacca

Post by Bacca » Tue Aug 10, 2010 1:03 am

Greenie revenge --- Love it!

The chief woman 'Greenie Tree-Hugging Activist', who was responsible for getting horses banned from National parks and State forests, was
Climbing a tree to have a look out over the forest when a Tawny Frogmouth Owl attacked her for invading its nesting site.


In a panic to escape, she slid down the tree, getting a great number of splinters lodged in her crotch area. In considerable pain she hurried to the nearest doctor, told him she was an environmentalist and how she got all the splinters.


The doctor listened with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She waited for 3 hours before the doctor reappeared. Angry, the woman demanded, 'What took you so long?'


'Well...' replied the doctor, '...I had to get permits from the Parks And Wildlife Service; the Wilderness Society and the Department of Conservation and Land Management before I could remove 'old growth Timber from a 'recreational area' . . .
I'm sorry but they all turned me down.'
_________________

Bacca

Post by Bacca » Fri Aug 20, 2010 5:24 pm

Pinched this from Ozrodders

While suturing up a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, whose hand had been caught in the gate while working his cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Julia Gillard, and her being our prime minister.

The old farmer said, "Well, ya know, Julia is just a Post Tortoise."

Now not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked, What's a "Post Tortoise?"

The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a Tortoise balanced on top, that's a post Tortoise."

The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know she didn't get up there by herself, she doesn't belong up there, she doesn't know what to do while she's up there, she sure isn't goin' anywhere, and you just wonder what kind of dumb idiot put her up there in the first place."

bendnstretch
Posts: 1258
Joined: Wed Jun 21, 2006 3:41 pm
Location: Brisbane

Post by bendnstretch » Fri Aug 20, 2010 8:07 pm

ha ha ha ha ha political but ha ha ha ha ha :lol:
Trees and bikes are alike...
You can CHOP EM!!

Bacca

Post by Bacca » Fri Aug 20, 2010 10:24 pm

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around, just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, “but for this reading, I can't use an
oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, “I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back."

She left the door to his room open on her way out, He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing.......

After about 20 minutes, the man's doctor came into the room, "What's going on here? asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confessed......"Not with a Daffodil."

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