Jokes

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Prof
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Re: Jokes

Post by Prof » Mon Apr 09, 2012 9:30 am

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day,
she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time
at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light,
put on some soft background music,
and feasted on a pound of shrimp,
a jar of caviar,
and a bottle of spring-water.

When she had finished,
she went into each and every room
and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells,
dipped in caviar,
into the hollow curtain rods.


She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned,
with his new girlfriend,
all was bliss for the first few days.
Then slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried everything;
cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents
and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere.

Exterminators were brought in,
they set off gas canisters,
during which they had to move out for a few days.
In the end they even paid to replace
the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked!!!

People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house.
The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer
and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local estate agents refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money
from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked
how things were going.

He told her the saga of the rotting house.
She listened politely
and said that she missed her old home terribly
and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement
in exchange for getting the house.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea
how bad the smell was,
he agreed on a price
that was about 1/10th
of what the house had been worth,
but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed and within the hour
his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling
as they watched the moving company pack everything
to take to their new home........

And to spite the ex-wife,
they even took the curtain rods
Chopit'nrideit... Prof

Aussiehard
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Re: Jokes

Post by Aussiehard » Tue May 22, 2012 12:35 pm

The Indian With One Testicle
There once was an Indian who had only one testicle
and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that
name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally
cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone
again I will kill them!'
The word got around and nobody called
him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird
forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He
jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into
the forest where he made love to her all day and
all night. He made love to her all the next day,
until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what
he promised he would do. Years went by and no
one dared call him by his given name until A woman
named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being
away Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird's cousin, was
overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him
and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,
then he made love to her all day, made love to her all
night, made love to her all the next day, made love to
her all the next night, butYellow Bird wouldn't die!




Why ???




OH, come on... take a guess !!!



Think about it !!!





You're going to love this !!!




Everyone knows...


You can't kill Two Birds


with OneStone!!!

Prof
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Re: Jokes

Post by Prof » Tue Jul 31, 2012 10:28 pm

Came through from someone tonight...

'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several Dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate.

Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me...'

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!'

The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me'

The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been telling' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...?

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything.

The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all.

Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...?

They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him!


Reminds me of a jobke about the bombing of Darwin during WWII. Some blokes were in the pub boasting of what they'd do to any Nip who set foot on their shores... whenthe first Jap bombs began to fall in a stick towards the pub... Well did those brave guys ever take off with their tails between their legs! It is said that one fellow got fifty miles down the road towards Alice on his pushbike before he realised that while he was in the pub someone had pinched his chain!
Chopit'nrideit... Prof

fluffer
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Re: Jokes

Post by fluffer » Wed Aug 01, 2012 7:56 am

A beautiful girl walks into a bar, walks up to the barman and asked for a double entendre, so he gave her one!
"better to die on your feet than live on your knees"

Bearcx
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Re: Jokes

Post by Bearcx » Wed Aug 01, 2012 10:13 pm

Horse walks into a bar, and the barman says, " Why the long face?"
The brave may not live long, but, the cautious do not live at all.

fluffer
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Re: Jokes

Post by fluffer » Thu Aug 02, 2012 7:44 am

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the barman says "hey, we got a drink named after you".
The grasshopper replies "what, Nigel?"
"better to die on your feet than live on your knees"

Aussiehard
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Re: Jokes

Post by Aussiehard » Sat Sep 22, 2012 10:37 am

A Man's Age -- as Determined by a Trip to Bunnings
You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house --.
Mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room or whatever.
You are hot and sweaty, covered in dust, lawn clippings, dirt or paint.
You have your old work clothes on.
You know the outfit -- shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from
who-knows-what and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you
need to run to Bunnings to get something to help complete the job.

Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20's:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes.
Check yourself in the mirror and flex.
Add a dab of your favourite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes.
You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair.
Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favourite cologne to cover the smell.
The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40's:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts.
Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands.
Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Bunnings
Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing.
The hot young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

In your 50's:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat; wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt.
Change shoes because you don't want to get dog crap in your new sports car.
Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat.
The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it.
Then you remember the hat you have on is from Gold Coast's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms.'

In your 60's:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore.
Hose the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's.
You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.
The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.

In your 70's:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Bunnings until the Chemist has your prescriptions ready, too.
Don't even notice the dog crap on your shoes.
The young thing at the register stares at you and you realize your balls are hanging out the hole in your crotch.

In your 80's:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again.
Now you remember you need to go to Bunnings. Go to K-Mart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for.
Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name.
You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

In your 90's & beyond:
What's a bundings ? Something for my garden?
Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this?
Did I send it? Did you? Who farted?

dg6oo2
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Re: Jokes

Post by dg6oo2 » Sat Sep 22, 2012 9:06 pm

Mate that is priceless
friends welcome family by appiontment only.

xsive
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Re: Jokes

Post by xsive » Mon Sep 24, 2012 10:24 am

how true is that .only thing is i think i might be in my 60s not 50s :lol:
IM NOT CRAZY ITS JUST OTHER PEOPLES PERCEPTION OF MY NORMALITY THAT DIFFERS

Bearcx
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Re: Jokes

Post by Bearcx » Mon Sep 24, 2012 11:29 pm

Rolling on the floor laughing........... :lol: :lol: :lol:
The brave may not live long, but, the cautious do not live at all.

Prof
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Re: Jokes

Post by Prof » Sat Oct 20, 2012 10:09 am

"4 Worms In Church"
Four worms and a lesson to be learned!!

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol .. . . . . . Dead .

The second worm in cigarette smoke . . . Dead .

Third worm in chocolate syrup . . . . Dead.

Fourth worm in good clean soil . . .. Alive …


So the Minister asked the congregation,

"What did you learn from this demonstration?"




Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said . . .
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate,

you won't have worms!"

That pretty much ended the service.
Chopit'nrideit... Prof

tigerbob
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Re: Jokes

Post by tigerbob » Sat Nov 10, 2012 12:28 pm

An oldie...

A group of bikers roll into town and decide to go to a bar.

The bar is filled with bankers and lawyers and the whole place looks like an Armani (suit) convention. Unperturbed, the bikers settle in to order the first round. The barman is a little afraid of the bikers and runs to the manger to ask how they could get them out of their fine establishment. The manger suggests he double the cost of the drinks every time a biker buys a round.

After about an hour or so, the manager comes out to see how the plan worked. He sees the bikers sitting merrily drinking their beers. He confronts the barman, asking why he hadn't done as instructed. The barman replies "I did- they're paying $80 a pint and I don't know what to do now!" The manger replies "I do - get rid of every Armani wearing bum in here!"
'94 Dyna Convertible
'73 TR6 Tiger - chopper under construction
'71 T140v Bonneville

Prof
Founder, Choppers Australia
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Thae ultimate ethnic joke...

Post by Prof » Fri Jun 21, 2013 1:58 pm

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian,

several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian,

a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a
Maori, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a
Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a
Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a
Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a
Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan,
an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian,
a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a
Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a
Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an
Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian,
a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari,

an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino,
a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a
Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an
Italian, a Norwegian, a Yorkshireman, a Lancastrian, a Stewart Islander, and two Africans,

...Walk into a fine restaurant.

"I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group.

"You can't come in here without a Thai. "
Chopit'nrideit... Prof

Prof
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Re: Jokes

Post by Prof » Wed Aug 07, 2013 10:14 am

Two jokes came through the other day...
If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.

He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility .....

Q: 'Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?'

A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'

Q: 'Officer, who provided this description?'

A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'

Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'

A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'

Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'

A: 'Yes sir, we do!'

Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'

A: 'Yes, sir, I do.'

Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'

A: 'Yes, sir.'

Q: 'Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'

A: 'You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called.



Conversation overheard on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai.

Iranian Air Defense Site: 'Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'
Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'
Air Defense Site: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'
Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 Fighter. Send 'em up, I'll wait!'
Air Defense Site: ( ... total silence)
Chopit'nrideit... Prof

Bearcx
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Re: Jokes

Post by Bearcx » Wed Aug 07, 2013 2:07 pm

Ha HA Ha...........that last one was good. :lol:
The brave may not live long, but, the cautious do not live at all.

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