Conflict solution...

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Prof
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Conflict solution...

Post by Prof » Mon Nov 04, 2013 11:48 am

This came through in one of my daily emails received... and please don't take this a criticism of anybody... just good advice for all of us at home, work, play etc


We all see things through our own set of glasses at times. Men view things differently than women. Bosses see things differently than employees. One ethnic group will see a situation totally different than another. Our life experiences, our past treatment of circumstances and our personalities all contribute to how we view situations in daily life.

Perception is often each person's reality whether that reality is true or not. Your perception of a situation is going to dictate your response more than the actual reality of it.

Whenever conflict arises from viewing things differently there is really only one way to resolve the difference. Usually the other person is offended by the tone of the other more than the position that is taken. If the other person is offended, we can only offer a few words: "I'm sorry. Will you forgive me for my tone?"

Humbling ourselves is the only way to resolve the relational breach. This does not mean you must agree with the other person's position, it simply means you acknowledge their right to their position and you apologize for the manner in which you responded to their statements. This will usually allow most conflicts to avoid a breach in the relationship.
Chopit'nrideit... Prof

neale
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Re: Conflict solution...

Post by neale » Tue Nov 05, 2013 9:01 pm

Well that was a disappointment, here I was, waiting with bated breath for the people who have been the most unreasonably attacked and maligned by a group of people here, IE Pygmy and Happiosa, to get the apologies they deserve, or at the very least a token as far as "we didn't mean that the way it sounded", but no, a resounding silence.

As far as "let he who is without sin cast the first stone" goes, put those damn stones down, you're in no position to use them.
Neale
'85 XV1000 with some mods, getting there
'86 XT600Z, going under the knife ASAP

78gold
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Re: Conflict solution...

Post by 78gold » Wed Nov 06, 2013 2:19 pm

Prof,

Similar to how I try and view things but with some subtle but important differences.

1. I agree that we are all the result of our own unique set of circumstances upbringing etc They are the corner stones of our principle set.
2. I appreciate that others have a right to their own opinion based on those principles.
3. Be buggered if I will apologise or be humble though for someone else misinterpreting my posts or having opinions differing to mine.
4. If a grown man has an issue with me, ask, pm whatever and I will explain my position but that is not being humble it is being straight. At the end of the day he either likes it or not, no skin off my nose.
5. If I am wrong in fact or interpretation I will apologise (Sincerely), something I also expect of others.
6. Tone ???? What is meant by tone. This is a written forum the Tone intended from the writers mind to keyboard may be (and often is) far removed from the that interpreted from the readers screen to eyes. Anyone who assumes they can interpret the subtle nuances of communication from some words on a computer screen is kidding themselves.

The wording of your post will, in my opinion, simply inflame the current situation as it implies apologies are expected, needed or in fact required.

Just my 2c worth.

Ride Safe
Nigel

P.S Four riders down in NSW last weekend alone, be careful out here everyone.
Nigel
78 Gold

78gold
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Re: Conflict solution...

Post by 78gold » Wed Nov 06, 2013 2:21 pm

Before anyone replies,
I know that I could be misinterpreting Profs intent.

For those that didn't get my intent,

That's my point.
Regards
Nigel
Nigel
78 Gold

Prof
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Re: Conflict solution...

Post by Prof » Wed Nov 06, 2013 11:47 pm

That's why I said to please not take this as a criticism of anybody... It just happened to pop up at this time and I thought it valuable. As you say, the weakness with a forum is that tone, facial expression etc is not able to be easily conveyed what works face to face often does not work on a forum.

I'm not asking for any apologies or insinuating anyone should be.

And I fully agree that if we have differences with other forum members the first step is to speak with the individual privately... it is the very foundation of relationships... family, business or friends.
Chopit'nrideit... Prof

Prof
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Re: Conflict solution...

Post by Prof » Fri Nov 08, 2013 10:37 am

Here's another good bit of advice... Rilda found it on a facebook page...

Having been married only a year and a half, I’ve recently come to the conclusion that marriage isn’t for me.

Now before you start making assumptions, keep reading.

I met my wife in high school when we were 15 years old. We were friends for ten years until…until we decided no longer wanted to be just friends. :) I strongly recommend that best friends fall in love. Good times will be had by all.

Nevertheless, falling in love with my best friend did not prevent me from having certain fears and anxieties about getting married. The nearer Kim and I approached the decision to marry, the more I was filled with a paralyzing fear. Was I ready? Was I making the right choice? Was Kim the right person to marry? Would she make me happy?

Then, one fateful night, I shared these thoughts and concerns with my dad.

Perhaps each of us have moments in our lives when it feels like time slows down or the air becomes still and everything around us seems to draw in, marking that moment as one we will never forget.

My dad giving his response to my concerns was such a moment for me. With a knowing smile he said, “Seth, you’re being totally selfish. So I’m going to make this really simple: marriage isn’t for you. You don’t marry to make yourself happy, you marry to make someone else happy. More than that, your marriage isn’t for yourself, you’re marrying for a family. Not just for the in-laws and all of that nonsense, but for your future children. Who do you want to help you raise them? Who do you want to influence them? Marriage isn’t for you. It’s not about you. Marriage is about the person you married.”

It was in that very moment that I knew that Kim was the right person to marry. I realized that I wanted to make her happy; to see her smile every day, to make her laugh every day. I wanted to be a part of her family, and my family wanted her to be a part of ours. And thinking back on all the times I had seen her play with my nieces, I knew that she was the one with whom I wanted to build our own family.

My father’s advice was both shocking and revelatory. It went against the grain of today’s “Walmart philosophy”, which is if it doesn’t make you happy, you can take it back and get a new one.

No, a true marriage (and true love) is never about you. It’s about the person you love—their wants, their needs, their hopes, and their dreams. Selfishness demands, “What’s in it for me?”, while Love asks, “What can I give?”

Some time ago, my wife showed me what it means to love selflessly. For many months, my heart had been hardening with a mixture of fear and resentment. Then, after the pressure had built up to where neither of us could stand it, emotions erupted. I was callous. I was selfish.

But instead of matching my selfishness, Kim did something beyond wonderful—she showed an outpouring of love. Laying aside all of the pain and aguish I had caused her, she lovingly took me in her arms and soothed my soul.


I realized that I had forgotten my dad’s advice. While Kim’s side of the marriage had been to love me, my side of the marriage had become all about me. This awful realization brought me to tears, and I promised my wife that I would try to be better.

To all who are reading this article—married, almost married, single, or even the sworn bachelor or bachelorette—I want you to know that marriage isn’t for you. No true relationship of love is for you. Love is about the person you love.

And, paradoxically, the more you truly love that person, the more love you receive. And not just from your significant other, but from their friends and their family and thousands of others you never would have met had your love remained self-centered.

Truly, love and marriage isn’t for you. It’s for others.
Chopit'nrideit... Prof

Bearcx
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Re: Conflict solution...

Post by Bearcx » Fri Nov 08, 2013 2:24 pm

Your flogging a dead horse, Andrew.

The guys who are upset by all this were going to leave, anyway. It was just a matter of time. In another 3-5 years, it will rise up again.
It's a shame that they are leaving (or lurking) the forums, as they are some of the best and most knowledgable bike builders on here. But, if they don't like the channel, they can turn it over. It's still a free country. You shouldn't waste anymore time trying to understand it.

Lets get back to bike building and riding.
The brave may not live long, but, the cautious do not live at all.

Prof
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Re: Conflict solution...

Post by Prof » Mon Nov 11, 2013 12:40 pm

Understand what you are saying Dave, but wasn't referring to recent events... just stuff that has come across my path and that's why it is put in this section.
Chopit'nrideit... Prof

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